The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Revised and

[Download] ➵ The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Revised and Updated: Surviving Through and Recovering from the Five Stages That Accompany the Loss ofLove ➾ Susan Anderson – Non-fiction-books.co AkeruONE day leafing through a Japanese dictionary I came upon a word that caused me to marvel because it had so many different meaningsand ALL of them pertained to abandonment The word is akeru It meAkeruONE day leafing through a Japanese dictionary I came upon a word that caused me to marvel because it had so many different meaningsand ALL of them pertained to abandonment The word is akeru It means to pierce to open to end to make a hole in to start to expire to unwrap to turn over When someone leaves akeru refers to the empty space that is created the opening in which a new beginning can take place I was amazed at the power of a single word that could suggest that to begin and to end are the samepart of one never ending cycle of renewal and healing I was excited to discover this concept and began to use it immediately in my work in abandonment recovery delighted to see how readily people responded to its wisdomI am not trying to cash in on Eastern philosophy or establish a new martial art I am grateful to be able to borrow the wonderfully fluid many faceted meaning of a single word plucked out of its context from an enlightened traditionThe Five Stages of AbandonmentStage OneSHATTERINGStage TwoWITHDRAWALStage ThreeINTERNALIZING THE REJECTIONStage FourRAGEStage FiveLIFTINGMaking a New Connection A Five Point Action PlanPrefaceWHAT is abandonment people ask Is it about people in search of their mothers Or people left on someone elses doorstep as children I answer Every day there are people who feel as if life itself has left them on a doorstep or thrown them away Abandonment is about loss of love itself that crucial loss of connectedness It often involves breakup betrayal alonenesssomething people can experience all at once or one after another over a period of months or even years later as an aftershockAbandonment means different things to different people It is an extremely personal and individual experience Sometimes it is lingering grief caused by old losses Sometimes it is fear Sometimes it can be an invisible barrier holding us back from forming relationships from reaching our true potential It can take the form of self sabotage We get caught up in patterns of abandonmentThis book provides real help for those who have searched but found nothing to ease the pain of abandonment or hasten the speed of recovery It guides you through what Ive observed in years of practice as five universal stages of abandonment As you continue along this journey you will perhaps be surprised to discover that the pain you feel when a loved one has left is not an end but the beginning of a time of personal growthI may refer to a breakup but the effects of abandonment apply to all types of loss and disconnection whether its loss of a job a dream or a friend It may be a loss of ones home health or sense of purpose Abandonment is a psychobiological process Ill share with you recent findings from the field of brain science that shed new light on the biological and chemical processes that underlie our emotional response to loss and the most effective path to restoring our emotional balancePeople going through the anguish of love loss often feel that their lives have been permanently altered that they will never be the same will never love again Im writing to assure you that as devastated as you may be right now your feelings of despair and hopelessness are in fact temporary and they are a normal part of grieving over a relationship In fact only by grappling with the feeling that your life is over can you cleanse your deepest wounds from past and present losses and build anewThose of you who have been left to pick up the pieces may wonder about your lost partners who have already replaced you with new lives and new relationships Youve been left to do the soul searching You are a part of the chosen group able to undertake this journey As you continue with the book you will discover that the pain you are feeling is real it is part of life and it is necessaryAnyone who feels this pain is in a legitimate emotional crisis Many feel as if they have been stabbed in the heart so many times that they dont know which hole to plug up first But these overwhelming feelings do not in any way imply that you are weak dependent or undeserving In spite of the intensity of your feelings you are still the competent responsible person you thought you were Your breakup with all of its emotional excess has not diminished you In fact being able to feel so deeply is a testament to your strength and tenacity People are strongest where the breaks are Only by giving yourself over to your feelings can you find your way out of themThis is a time of personal reckoning but this soul searching can also lead to extreme self doubt and scathing self recrimination When someone we love rejects us we often turn the anger we feel toward that person against ourselves and blame ourselves for the loss In this way abandonment acts like uicksand miring us in feelings of worthlessness and despair No matter how hurtful or demoralizing the circumstances may have been you are not a victim or undeserving of love The fact that someone has chosen not to be with you says as much about your ex as it does about you and how well you functioned in the relationship You may be humbled for the moment but you have not been vanuishedFacing these issues and putting what you have experienced into perspective prevents you from turning your anger inward As you learn to resist the gravitational pull on your self esteem you gain strength and emotional endurance Rather than feeling defeated by your experience you emerge from it wiserself reliant andcapable of loveWithout guidance many people dont completely recover from the loss of a love Their fears and doubts remain unresolved True recovery means confronting uncomfortable feelings understanding what they are and most importantly learning how to deal with themThere are some feelings no one wants to talk about because they involve fear despair and self doubt so intense that youre naturally humiliated and ashamed by them This shame is not just about the embarrassment you may feel over having been rejected it is about feelings that bewilder you with their potency induce panic and have you believing you are weak dependent unlovable even repulsiveUntil these intense feelings are addressed people tend to suffer them in silence or try to deny them Eventually these forgotten deeply buried feelings are transformed into an elusive grief Many seek therapy for this grief but cant seem to overcome that undifferentiated emptiness so often misdiagnosed and treated as depression For some people this persistent grief can involve chemical imbalances that in some cases respond to medication Abandonment is a complex issue and its wound can be deeply entrenched It is important to realize that your feelings no matter how intense do not signify a lack of will or frailty of character They are normal and part of a process that leads to renewal and changeThe healing process Ill describe doesnt limit itself to your current loss It gets to the heart of your cumulative woundthe one that contains all of your disappointments and heartbreaks that have been bubbling beneath the surface of your life perhaps since childhoodUnresolved abandonment may be the underlying issue responsible for most of the ailments you have been struggling with all along the insecurity that plagues your relationships depression and anxiety obsessive and compulsive behaviors low energy levels and the loss of self esteem that have been holding you back Yet often people who have been abandoned cant name what they are going through They may have grown up with an alcoholic parent or felt excluded from their peer group at crucial moments just as their sense of self was beginning to develop However detached they may be from the root of their distress they spend their life energy bargaining with fear and fighting insecurityHaving lost touch with the source of their wounds many resort to uick fixes and gratify themselves with food alcohol shopping or other people Or they become addicted to self help lectures books and tapes But all of the self medicating and soothing words in the world will not erase the distress In order to do that you must embark upon a journey that addresses the underlying causethe abandonment wound itself This is a journey from which all people can benefitThrough my own experience and through my years of work with others I have seen how helpful it is to come out of isolation and commune with others as we learn about the grief process that has gripped our lives For this reason in addition to running abandonment recovery workshops I developed an easy format and help to set up ongoing abandonment support groups throughout the country so that you can join together in your local communities and enhance one anothers recovery See my note section for information Wherever you are in the five stages this book describes you are not alone It is a revelation to discover that the pain debilitates the strongest smartest most self sufficient among us that it cuts across all ages cultures and status levels and that it ultimately is a universal human experienceThis book is designed to serve as your companion and guide addressing your most difficult feelings validating your experience with research from related scientific fields and giving you the tools youll need on your journey toward a new outlook and new loveWhat Is Abandonment A feelingA feeling of isolation within a relationshipAn intense feeling of devastation when a relationship endsA primal fearthe raw element that makes going through heartbreak divorce separation or bereavement cut so deepAn aloneness not by choiceAn experience from childhoodA baby left on the doorstepA divorceA woman left by her husband of twenty years for another womanA man being left by his fiance for someonesuccessfulA mother leaving her childrenA father leaving his childrenA friend feeling deserted by a friendA child whose pet diesA little girl grieving over the death of her motherA little boy wanting his mommy to come pick him up from nursery schoolA child who feels replaced by the birth of another siblingA child feeling restless because of his parents emotional unavailabilityA boy realizing that he is gay and anticipating the reaction of his parents and friendsA teenager feeling that her heart is actually brokenA teenage boy afraid to approach the girl he lovesA woman who has raised now grown children feeling empty as if she has been desertedA child stricken with a serious illness watching his friends play while he must use a wheelchair or remain in bedA woman who has lost her job and with it her professional identity financial security and statusA man who has been put out to pasture by his company as if he is obsoleteA dying woman who fears being abandoned by loved ones as much as orthan she fears pain and deathAbandonment is all of this andIts wound is at the heart of human experienceChapter OneWHEN a relationship ends it is painful for both people but the pain is especially debilitating for the one left behindIn my case it happened out of the blue said Marie One night Lonny didnt come home from work When I didnt hear from him after only an hour I started jumping to the worst conclusionscar accident heart attack Never mind how much worse these visions got when he still wasnt home six hours later The last thing I imagined was that he was with someone else Why would he want to be We were lifelong companions and lovers best friends and happily married for over twenty yearsFinally I heard his footsteps crunching along the gravel driveway I ran to meet him at the door What happened I asked My heart was in my throatThere was a pauseIm not happy he said flatlyHappy He vaguely said something about how things were different between usDifferent I askedDont interrupt me he said Thats one of the problems You always interruptMy face was suddenly hot and pulsating This was not LonnyThen he uttered the words that turned my stomach upside down and left my mouth dryIm leaving he saidI stopped breathing It was hard to collect a single coherent thought The only logical explanation I could come up with was that he must have had a head injury sometime during the day Why would he say what he was saying I thought briefly but seriously about calling an ambulanceWhen I finally managed to speak my voice came out deep and hollow like it belonged to someone elseYou dont really mean this was all I managed to say in my strange unsteady new voiceIm leaving this weekendI leaned on the kitchen table for support and tried to catch my breath from the dagger thrust into my gut Is there someone else I asked my voice coming in a whisperHe flatly and angrily denied this But a month after he actually moved out I was to learn that in fact there was someone elseanother teacher from his school It lessened the bewilderment but not the wrenching painI spent the first few weeks alone trying to grapple with the immensity of it all This was a man Id loved with all my heart and soul Hed always been so tender his goodness always shining right through For me loving him had almost been a religious experience Id had such reverence for how he lived his life He was a kind and caring father both wise and sensitiveAt night Id attempt to put the agony to rest and go to bed But sleep was out of the uestion I would be tortured by the empty space next to me in the bed How I loved to hold Lonny my beautiful sensual Lonny I hugged my pillow instead weeping sometimes screaminginto it because the torment was so unbearable I had every right to hate him for what he was doing but all I could do was miss him and damn myself for letting this happenAbandonments devastation can stem from many different circumstances many different types of relationships There are a variety of factors affecting the way we react to the loss the nature and duration of our relationship the intensity of the feelings the circumstances of the breakup and our previous history of losses Being left by someone we love can open up old wounds stirring up insecurities and doubts that had been part of our emotional baggage since childhoodAlmost all of us have experienced Maries feelings Someone has chosen not to be with us not to keep us We feel suddenly cut off alone sent into emotional exile Being alone isnt bad when it is something we choose for ourselves When someone decides to leave us it is a different story Bewildered confused outraged we feel as if weve been handed a life sentence to which weve been unjustly condemned by virtue of some invisible defect We yearn and ache for someone who has abandoned us as Marie doesAbandonment is our first fear It is a primal feara fear universal to the human experience As infants we lay screaming in our cribs terrified that when our mothers left the room they were never coming back Abandonment is a fear that we will be left alone forever with no one to protect us to see to our most urgent needs For the infant maintaining attachment to its primary caretaker is necessary for its survival Any threat or disruption to that relationship arouses this primal fear a fear that is embedded in the hardware of our brains a fear we carry into adulthood When children experience feelings of disconnection they do not have the defenses to fall back on that we as adults do Their wounds may not heal but instead float beneath the surface of their lives right into adulthoodEmotional experience ispainful when it echoes an episode from the past thats especially true when it comes to rejection and loss The relationship that ended today may be the fulfillment of your worst nightmares from childhood Grieving over that lost love opens a primal woundSomeone deciding to leave you awakens this primal fear and out of it rises intense anger You feel angry for having to feel so much fear and desperation You feel frustrated with yourself for being powerless for not being able to hold on to anothers love You feel utterly and helplessly defeated over the circumstances of losing that love You fear you are not attachment worthyIn some cases your grief may not come from a recent breakup sometimes it is rooted in the residual insecurity and fear stemming from long lost loves that interfere with relationships youre struggling with todayYou may still be with your partner but you understand that he or she no longer loves you Though physically present you grieve the loss Its a steady throb tinged with feelings of personal failure Why cant I make it work Am I not lovable Why cant I get him to love me In other cases like Maries a partner leaves you for someone else in which case your grief is complicated by feelings of betrayal and jealousySometimes there is no one else your mate left because he just stopped wanting to be with you needed his space Your grief becomes fraught with feelings of self reproach anxiety and lack of closure You wonder Are you so very horrible that you deserve this punishmentthat your partner would rather be alone Or your relationship may have simply fallen apartperhaps you werent ready or you two just didnt seem to be able to make it work Perhaps the relationship was so painful that initially you were relieved by the prospect of separation Feelings of inadeuacy came as an aftershock In these cases grieving may be complicated by a profound sense of personal disappointment You may feel remorseful uncertain about your futureSometimes you were the one initiating the breakup because you felt abandoned during the relationshipOr the abandonment was sudden and unexpected in which case shock and disbelief took over You must first address the desperate pain and debilitating panic before you can begin to grieveThe grieving process is similar to bereavement over a death Loss is loss But abandonment grief has a particular life of its own stemming from the circumstances that led up to it and from the feelings of rejection and inadeuacy that often accompany itIt is because abandonments knife cuts all the way through to the self that it is so painful You lose not just your loved one but your core belief in yourself You doubt that you are lovable and acceptable as a mate These feelings can become deeply inscribed creating an invisible wound that causes you to turn on yourselfSometimes people feel the loss of a loved one so deeply and uestion their own worth so profoundly that it is as if theres an invisible drain deep within that works insidiously to siphon off self worth like a slow internal bleed The paradox for these folks is that when they try to rebuild self esteem by doing esteemable things their deep wound is always draining it awayThis drainage of ego strength is crucial to understanding and working through the abandonment cycle In fact it is hard for me to understand why its special type of grief had gone virtually unrecognized unstudied and untreated until this book Mental health professionals generally interpret the feelings of abandonment as a symptom of depression or anxiety But abandonment grief is a syndrome of its own It is the way in whic.

H your fear and anger are turned against yourself that gives abandonment grief its particular characterThe tendency toward self attack and self recrimination represents the midway point in the grieving process But injury to self orinternalizing the rejection as I call it is interwoven into all of the stages of abandonment It is a persistent ongoing process that causes us to abandon ourselves over and overWHAT IS AN ABANDONMENT SURVIVOR Abandonment survivors are those who have experienced the anguish of lost love and have the courage to go on believing in life and in their own capacity for love Some are celebrities who have told us their childhood stories others never make a public disclosure Some are therapistsprobably the majority of therapists have their own abandonment histories But most are everyday people There is an abandonment survivor in just about everyone though some may not acknowledge it The insecurity longing and fear associated with the loss of love are universalPeople struggling with the abandonment syndromeare plagued by insecurity and self sabotage yet many manage to lead productive even stellar lives in spite of it Others find the chronic insecurity too disabling to fully express their talentsAbandonment survivors are sensitive caring and primed for love But membership to this venerable group is not restricted to those able to achieve success in their relationships Many continue the struggle to resolve the old abandonment wounds that stand in the way of finding loveFor all abandonment survivorsthose whove found love and those still seeking itthe impact of losses past and present can be found in the fragments of unlived life unreached potential and unfulfilled dreams still waiting to be redeemed through the process of abandonment recoveryWHAT IS ABANDONMENT RECOVERY Abandonment recovery involves a program of five exercises outlined in this book I call the program Akeru You take action to heal the underlying wound of abandonment from past and present losses You gain new information identify unfinished business from the past and practice hands on exercises for improving your life Anyone can benefit from this processAbandonment recovery provides a new language and approach compatible with twelve step recovery programs Its program is specifically designed to deal with unresolved abandonmentthe underlying source of your addictions compulsions and distress Abandonment recovery is based on the most recent information from brain science and years of clinical experience working with the victims of abandonment trauma The program empowers you to overcome your primal abandonment and its aftermath of self defeating patternsand to reach your goals for greater life and loveIf youve been holding out for the right words or the ultimate insight that will finally free you beware The magic bullet is not in any book or program It is within you It is that untapped energy that you will learn to redirect Abandonment recovery is easy even pleasurable You must dothan read this book You must put its wisdom into practiceWHAT IS AN ABANDONER Abandoners come in every possible size shape shade age gender and disposition It is often difficult to tell who is or isnt capable of being emotionally responsiblewho is worthy of trust and who is an abandonerWhat complicates the picture evenis that one persons abandoner might be anothers lifelong partner The circumstances surrounding relationships are so complex and variable that it is neither wise nor fair to make moral judgments point fingers or draw generalizationsLet it be said that many abandoners do not set out to intentionally hurt someone Many are just human beings struggling to find the answers to lifes difficult challenges along with everyone else But there are some who are callous leaving a trail of discarded lovers along heartbreaks Appian Way And there are serial abandoners those who get some reward from inflicting emotional pain on those who love them For them creating devastation is their way of demonstrating powerEven those who are not motivated by this need might experience a heightened sense of self importance when the one they leave behind seems so desperate to have them back In the light of the other persons pain these folks usually dont admit to an ego boost or feelings of triumph Instead they airhumble feelings like the guilt they feel over having caused you pain They are usually easily distracted from this guilt as they get caught up in their new lives and new loves with greater gusto than beforeSome abandoners are able to bypass these pangs of guilt by remaining oblivious to the effect they have on others Theyre in a general state of denial about the devastation theyve caused This denial helps them maintain an image of themselves as decent caring human beings It often comes across as callousness and cruelty to the one who was left behind to pick up the piecesSome abandoners insist they feel as badly as you do But the difference is they dont have all of those rejection stingers piercing deeply into their psyches like poison arrowsOther abandoners however unable to deny the pain theyve caused endure their own genuine grief and remorse parallel to yours over the failure of the relationshipAbandonment recovery is dedicated to all of those who struggle to sustain relationships abandonees and abandoners alikeYou are about to discover the benefits of working through the various stages of abandonment As grief stricken as you may feel right now the process will help you avoid the pitfalls of suppressing and avoiding the pain Burying your feelings leaves them unresolved Unless you face them they continue to interfere from within and you may find yourself caught up in self defeating relationships that end in abandonment over and over again Unresolved abandonment is the root of self sabotageThe recovery process that Ive come to call Akeru is designed to reverse this injury It provides a program of five exercises described in this book Abandonment recovery helps you gain something from the intense emotions you are feeling so that you can turn one of lifes most painful experiences into an opportunity to grow and changeWhat follows is a birds eye view of the stages that will help you get started on your journey Being able to see the stages as one processwill I hope give you some insight on where you are where youve been and what to expectATTERINGIn this devastating first stage you are in shock pain and panic suddenly bereft of lifes worth and meaning You try to keep the shards of yourself together but in spite of all your efforts your faith and trust have been shattered The severing of this important emotional bond makes you feel temporarily that you cant live without your lost love Suicidal feelings are normal to this period They are caused by despair that is overwhelming but only temporary Old feelings of helplessness and dependency intrude into your current emotional crisis Akeru provides a pain management techniue that will help you get through the most difficult periods as uickly as possible and gain strength from them allowing you to enter a time of rebirthWITHDRAWALLove withdrawal is just like heroin withdrawal involving intense craving and agitation for the love you are missing You ache throb and yearn for your loved one to return Human beings are genetically heir to a powerful need for attachment severed relationships do not end your need to bond In fact losing your relationship tends to intensify the clingy needy feelings The emotional tear triggers a psychobiological process that can include wakefulness weight loss anxiety and emotional and physical fatigue Akeru will show you how to work with the bonding instinct that is responsible for the wrenching pain You can redirect its energy toward making a significant new connection to yourself which has ongoing healing benefitsERNALIZINGDuring this critical third stage of abandonment your emotional wound becomes susceptible to infection which can result in permanent scarring in the form of damage to your self esteem This is when you suppress your anger toward your lost partner and beat up on yourself instead You tend to idealize your abandoner at your own expense Any implicit or explicit criticism from your ex is taken to heart You become preoccupied with regrets over the relationship agonizing over what you should have done or what you could have done to prevent the loss No matter how hard you try to fight back your sense of self takes a beating Akeru provides the tools to help you access internal energy and build a new whole new concept of self The exercise is designed to open new windows in your awareness allow you to make new decisions and set new goalsRAGERage is not the first time you encounter anger in this process but during the first three stages your anger was victim rage that useless flailing in space or stabbing your pillow to death It is not until this fourth stage that your beleaguered sense of self under siege from self attack is ready to stand up and fight back to take on the challenge of the outside world Only then is your rage of the self empowering healthy kind Its aggression can help you rehabilitate your lifeRage provides the energy you need to defend your newly born sense of self and to ensure your continued survival Some people have difficulty expressing anger and need help to avoid turning their anger inward into an agitated depression Sometimes you are afraid to express anger toward your lost partner for fear of losing anylove than you already have Instead you take your anger out on those closest to you You can have unrealistic expectations toward others at this time you expect them to replace the love and nurturance you are so sorely missing When they fall short you explode Fantasies of retaliation and revenge toward your abandoners are also common to this stage but there are better alternatives The old saying is true The best revenge is success Akeru uses the energy of anger to help you turn your abandonment experience into a triumph of personal growthFTINGBecause rage has helped direct the energy outward it helps to lift you back into life You begin to experience a levitation of spirit and intervals of peace and freedom You feel stronger and wiser for the painful lessons you have learned Life in all of its fullness begins to distract you You let go of anger Akeru provides the tools to help you enhance your capacity for newness and loveThe first letters of each of the five stages spell SWIRL The word swirl echoes the cyclonic continuous flowing nature of your grief Like any natural life process the five stages are circular rather than linear They represent a single process that is overlapping and recurrent a process that can take place within an hour a day a month or a period of yearscycles within cycles You swirl through them over and over until the tornado begins to weaken and you emerge a changed personYes there is life after abandonmentfull rich intense lifebut you will have to work to get there The guiding hand is there to help you get through the pain learn from it and experience a stronger connection to yourself You will never be as conscious as acutely alive as you will once you have applied the principles in this program to your daily lifeChapter TwoWHAT IS SHATTERING Shattering is a tear in the dense tissues of human attachmentIt is a feeling of devastation unbearable painIt is a powerful neurobiological processIt is the birth trauma revisited It is rebirthIt is the breaking up of the storm clouds the clearing of new skyIt is an epiphany of insight an awakening of the emotional coreShattering is a bottoma transforming bottomthe same bottom from which people over the ages have found redemptionAll of our lives we have been overprepared for a shatteringfor an event that is capable of ripping us away from what we hold most dearattempting to ward off circumstances beyond our control Most of our life energy is spent making ourselves safe so there wont be a shattering Then when it happens it knocks the wind out of us But once we catch our breath we are in a position to rebuild our lives and not just to self medicate with the illusion of securityShattering releases the primitive defenses that have become counterproductive holding us back The armor that was once protective becomes restrictive and uncomfortable For the person no longer crippled the casts must come off or they become a hindranceShattering is what we feel when a relationship first ends but it can also be the aftershock of earlier experience an eruption of old forgotten feelings These eruptions are often reported by people who have gone through twelve step programs to fight addictions They discover most freuently in the second year of the program that their addictive behavior served as a primitive defense It takes that long for the old defenses to break away and for true rehabilitation to take placeShattering is not a new phenomenon but by isolating it we can better deal with itWe must honor the power of the shattering and harness that power in a disciplined way to create a truly healing environmentE FIRST STAGE OF ABANDONMENT SHATTERINGROBERTAS SHATTERINGRoberta is a sensitive person intelligent and versatile She has a gifted sense of irony which she displays with brilliant timing and subtlety She has a serious side too and loves to intensely debate political issues She has a mane of golden hair and large pale green eyes All of it helped her captivate Travis a conductor of a city orchestraRobertas main drawback as her friends would tell you was her choice in men Travis was no exception He claimed possession of the artists temperament That was how he rationalized his domineering ways and need for control He could be demanding at times highly critical and self centered Roberta had to exercise all of her diplomatic skill to keep their relationship on an even keelShe agreed shed probably be making a mistake to marry him which paradoxically was exactly what she found herself probing him about one night at dinner What do you think shed asked looking down at her plateTravis hadnt responded right away Im not ready for that he finally said Roberta you know Im just trying to have fun have a good time He muttered an apology about how shallow that sounded while Robertas heart sank Why did I have to bring that up For the next month Roberta tried to cajole Travis back into the hot and heavy relationship theyd had But he had become graduallyandabsorbed in his career He began limiting their time together to once a week and could be seduced into sex only with effort Roberta sensed she was losing Travis Her friends told her it was the best thing but she couldnt bear to let go She couldnt bear going back out in the world without him hated the idea of being alone Im too old to be going through this she told herself She was thirty fiveThen it happened She saw him with another womanRoberta walked up to them and hit Travis in the chest with her bag They exchanged words his last being But Roberta I was going to tell you I just didnt know howRoberta showed up for therapy crying and blowing her nose into tissue after tissue I never believed anything could be this painful she said holding her head in her hands It feels like my whole life is overShattering is not uniue to abandonment It is the initial stage of all types of grief where significant loss is involved But the shattering of abandonment is special Your loss was not due to a death but because someone acted on free will not to be with you In fact if rejection desertion or betrayal played a part in your loss it is not just your sense of security that has been shattered but your belief in yourself your sense of self worthI feel like a complete failure said Carlyle his eyes swollen and bloodshot He had lost nearly ten pounds in a little over two weeks and claimed not to have slept in days When I finally do fall asleep he said I just wake up to the reality that its over And then my heart starts pounding and all I can think of is to end itjust do away with myself The only thing that stops me is my kidsMy wife wants me to leave by the end of the month But how can I leave my family They are what Ive always worked for They are my life What have I done to deserve this Why didnt I see it coming I just cant face it all I am too numb to know what to do about any of itto know what Im feeling Its overwhelmingRoberta and Carlyle are experiencing many of the S words common to this stage the shattering of hopes and dreams the sinking feelings the sleeplessness the soul searching the suicidal feelings the shock The important thing to bear in mind is that the intense feelings of shattering are temporary In fact shattering is the most short lived of the five stagesShattering is a necessary part of the healing process because it brings you to terms with the fact that your relationship is ending The pain is wrenching because it represents a tear in dense tissues of an intense emotional bond It is as if you have to be torn apart before you can rebuild a new selfFor most people shattering is a time of reexperiencing Any old or lingering losses flood into your current wound If you have been through a similar breakup memories of that earlier loss come to the surface forcing you to deal with not just your current loss but the whole issue of loss in your life Your whole being is thrown into a kind of emotional time warp Past present and future are thrown into the emotional turbulence As one of my workshop members from the Esalen Institute testified Someone absconded with my safety net and I shattered to the floorShattering brings you in touch with feelings that may seem pathological when taken out of the context of grief Freud in one of his early monographs Mourning and Melancholia emphasized the difference between grieving and depressive illness The intense emotions of shattering can sometimes even shake the clinician who hasnt come to appreciate the intensity of the abandonment experienceAlby reported that his therapeutic relationship fell apart soon after his experience of shatteringThe love of his life had just left him Later he went to his therapists office and released his anguish in deep sobs He reported feeling like a black tar ball long nestled within him finally broke up and melted away His therapist agitated by the display of the intense emotions tried to refer him for medicationAlby had a stable job where he was highly regarded was involved in creative arts and stable friendships and showed no other signs of psychiatric distressIronically Albys ability to withstand the intensity of his feelings was a testament to his emotional health As one abandonment workshop member put it coming to Albys defense Only the strong can endure the shattering the weak need their defensesAt first people tend to swirl through all of the stages at once You may go from the shock and devastation of shattering to thewithdr.

journey download from book abandonment mobile healing: download revised mobile updated: free surviving download through pdf recovering ebok from download five kindle stages book that pdf accompany free loss pdf oflove ebok The Journey pdf from Abandonment pdf from Abandonment to Healing: kindle Journey from Abandonment mobile Journey from Abandonment to Healing: pdf The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Revised and Updated: Surviving Through and Recovering from the Five Stages That Accompany the Loss ofLove PDFH your fear and anger are turned against yourself that gives abandonment grief its particular characterThe tendency toward self attack and self recrimination represents the midway point in the grieving process But injury to self orinternalizing the rejection as I call it is interwoven into all of the stages of abandonment It is a persistent ongoing process that causes us to abandon ourselves over and overWHAT IS AN ABANDONMENT SURVIVOR Abandonment survivors are those who have experienced the anguish of lost love and have the courage to go on believing in life and in their own capacity for love Some are celebrities who have told us their childhood stories others never make a public disclosure Some are therapistsprobably the majority of therapists have their own abandonment histories But most are everyday people There is an abandonment survivor in just about everyone though some may not acknowledge it The insecurity longing and fear associated with the loss of love are universalPeople struggling with the abandonment syndromeare plagued by insecurity and self sabotage yet many manage to lead productive even stellar lives in spite of it Others find the chronic insecurity too disabling to fully express their talentsAbandonment survivors are sensitive caring and primed for love But membership to this venerable group is not restricted to those able to achieve success in their relationships Many continue the struggle to resolve the old abandonment wounds that stand in the way of finding loveFor all abandonment survivorsthose whove found love and those still seeking itthe impact of losses past and present can be found in the fragments of unlived life unreached potential and unfulfilled dreams still waiting to be redeemed through the process of abandonment recoveryWHAT IS ABANDONMENT RECOVERY Abandonment recovery involves a program of five exercises outlined in this book I call the program Akeru You take action to heal the underlying wound of abandonment from past and present losses You gain new information identify unfinished business from the past and practice hands on exercises for improving your life Anyone can benefit from this processAbandonment recovery provides a new language and approach compatible with twelve step recovery programs Its program is specifically designed to deal with unresolved abandonmentthe underlying source of your addictions compulsions and distress Abandonment recovery is based on the most recent information from brain science and years of clinical experience working with the victims of abandonment trauma The program empowers you to overcome your primal abandonment and its aftermath of self defeating patternsand to reach your goals for greater life and loveIf youve been holding out for the right words or the ultimate insight that will finally free you beware The magic bullet is not in any book or program It is within you It is that untapped energy that you will learn to redirect Abandonment recovery is easy even pleasurable You must dothan read this book You must put its wisdom into practiceWHAT IS AN ABANDONER Abandoners come in every possible size shape shade age gender and disposition It is often difficult to tell who is or isnt capable of being emotionally responsiblewho is worthy of trust and who is an abandonerWhat complicates the picture evenis that one persons abandoner might be anothers lifelong partner The circumstances surrounding relationships are so complex and variable that it is neither wise nor fair to make moral judgments point fingers or draw generalizationsLet it be said that many abandoners do not set out to intentionally hurt someone Many are just human beings struggling to find the answers to lifes difficult challenges along with everyone else But there are some who are callous leaving a trail of discarded lovers along heartbreaks Appian Way And there are serial abandoners those who get some reward from inflicting emotional pain on those who love them For them creating devastation is their way of demonstrating powerEven those who are not motivated by this need might experience a heightened sense of self importance when the one they leave behind seems so desperate to have them back In the light of the other persons pain these folks usually dont admit to an ego boost or feelings of triumph Instead they airhumble feelings like the guilt they feel over having caused you pain They are usually easily distracted from this guilt as they get caught up in their new lives and new loves with greater gusto than beforeSome abandoners are able to bypass these pangs of guilt by remaining oblivious to the effect they have on others Theyre in a general state of denial about the devastation theyve caused This denial helps them maintain an image of themselves as decent caring human beings It often comes across as callousness and cruelty to the one who was left behind to pick up the piecesSome abandoners insist they feel as badly as you do But the difference is they dont have all of those rejection stingers piercing deeply into their psyches like poison arrowsOther abandoners however unable to deny the pain theyve caused endure their own genuine grief and remorse parallel to yours over the failure of the relationshipAbandonment recovery is dedicated to all of those who struggle to sustain relationships abandonees and abandoners alikeYou are about to discover the benefits of working through the various stages of abandonment As grief stricken as you may feel right now the process will help you avoid the pitfalls of suppressing and avoiding the pain Burying your feelings leaves them unresolved Unless you face them they continue to interfere from within and you may find yourself caught up in self defeating relationships that end in abandonment over and over again Unresolved abandonment is the root of self sabotageThe recovery process that Ive come to call Akeru is designed to reverse this injury It provides a program of five exercises described in this book Abandonment recovery helps you gain something from the intense emotions you are feeling so that you can turn one of lifes most painful experiences into an opportunity to grow and changeWhat follows is a birds eye view of the stages that will help you get started on your journey Being able to see the stages as one processwill I hope give you some insight on where you are where youve been and what to expectATTERINGIn this devastating first stage you are in shock pain and panic suddenly bereft of lifes worth and meaning You try to keep the shards of yourself together but in spite of all your efforts your faith and trust have been shattered The severing of this important emotional bond makes you feel temporarily that you cant live without your lost love Suicidal feelings are normal to this period They are caused by despair that is overwhelming but only temporary Old feelings of helplessness and dependency intrude into your current emotional crisis Akeru provides a pain management techniue that will help you get through the most difficult periods as uickly as possible and gain strength from them allowing you to enter a time of rebirthWITHDRAWALLove withdrawal is just like heroin withdrawal involving intense craving and agitation for the love you are missing You ache throb and yearn for your loved one to return Human beings are genetically heir to a powerful need for attachment severed relationships do not end your need to bond In fact losing your relationship tends to intensify the clingy needy feelings The emotional tear triggers a psychobiological process that can include wakefulness weight loss anxiety and emotional and physical fatigue Akeru will show you how to work with the bonding instinct that is responsible for the wrenching pain You can redirect its energy toward making a significant new connection to yourself which has ongoing healing benefitsERNALIZINGDuring this critical third stage of abandonment your emotional wound becomes susceptible to infection which can result in permanent scarring in the form of damage to your self esteem This is when you suppress your anger toward your lost partner and beat up on yourself instead You tend to idealize your abandoner at your own expense Any implicit or explicit criticism from your ex is taken to heart You become preoccupied with regrets over the relationship agonizing over what you should have done or what you could have done to prevent the loss No matter how hard you try to fight back your sense of self takes a beating Akeru provides the tools to help you access internal energy and build a new whole new concept of self The exercise is designed to open new windows in your awareness allow you to make new decisions and set new goalsRAGERage is not the first time you encounter anger in this process but during the first three stages your anger was victim rage that useless flailing in space or stabbing your pillow to death It is not until this fourth stage that your beleaguered sense of self under siege from self attack is ready to stand up and fight back to take on the challenge of the outside world Only then is your rage of the self empowering healthy kind Its aggression can help you rehabilitate your lifeRage provides the energy you need to defend your newly born sense of self and to ensure your continued survival Some people have difficulty expressing anger and need help to avoid turning their anger inward into an agitated depression Sometimes you are afraid to express anger toward your lost partner for fear of losing anylove than you already have Instead you take your anger out on those closest to you You can have unrealistic expectations toward others at this time you expect them to replace the love and nurturance you are so sorely missing When they fall short you explode Fantasies of retaliation and revenge toward your abandoners are also common to this stage but there are better alternatives The old saying is true The best revenge is success Akeru uses the energy of anger to help you turn your abandonment experience into a triumph of personal growthFTINGBecause rage has helped direct the energy outward it helps to lift you back into life You begin to experience a levitation of spirit and intervals of peace and freedom You feel stronger and wiser for the painful lessons you have learned Life in all of its fullness begins to distract you You let go of anger Akeru provides the tools to help you enhance your capacity for newness and loveThe first letters of each of the five stages spell SWIRL The word swirl echoes the cyclonic continuous flowing nature of your grief Like any natural life process the five stages are circular rather than linear They represent a single process that is overlapping and recurrent a process that can take place within an hour a day a month or a period of yearscycles within cycles You swirl through them over and over until the tornado begins to weaken and you emerge a changed personYes there is life after abandonmentfull rich intense lifebut you will have to work to get there The guiding hand is there to help you get through the pain learn from it and experience a stronger connection to yourself You will never be as conscious as acutely alive as you will once you have applied the principles in this program to your daily lifeChapter TwoWHAT IS SHATTERING Shattering is a tear in the dense tissues of human attachmentIt is a feeling of devastation unbearable painIt is a powerful neurobiological processIt is the birth trauma revisited It is rebirthIt is the breaking up of the storm clouds the clearing of new skyIt is an epiphany of insight an awakening of the emotional coreShattering is a bottoma transforming bottomthe same bottom from which people over the ages have found redemptionAll of our lives we have been overprepared for a shatteringfor an event that is capable of ripping us away from what we hold most dearattempting to ward off circumstances beyond our control Most of our life energy is spent making ourselves safe so there wont be a shattering Then when it happens it knocks the wind out of us But once we catch our breath we are in a position to rebuild our lives and not just to self medicate with the illusion of securityShattering releases the primitive defenses that have become counterproductive holding us back The armor that was once protective becomes restrictive and uncomfortable For the person no longer crippled the casts must come off or they become a hindranceShattering is what we feel when a relationship first ends but it can also be the aftershock of earlier experience an eruption of old forgotten feelings These eruptions are often reported by people who have gone through twelve step programs to fight addictions They discover most freuently in the second year of the program that their addictive behavior served as a primitive defense It takes that long for the old defenses to break away and for true rehabilitation to take placeShattering is not a new phenomenon but by isolating it we can better deal with itWe must honor the power of the shattering and harness that power in a disciplined way to create a truly healing environmentE FIRST STAGE OF ABANDONMENT SHATTERINGROBERTAS SHATTERINGRoberta is a sensitive person intelligent and versatile She has a gifted sense of irony which she displays with brilliant timing and subtlety She has a serious side too and loves to intensely debate political issues She has a mane of golden hair and large pale green eyes All of it helped her captivate Travis a conductor of a city orchestraRobertas main drawback as her friends would tell you was her choice in men Travis was no exception He claimed possession of the artists temperament That was how he rationalized his domineering ways and need for control He could be demanding at times highly critical and self centered Roberta had to exercise all of her diplomatic skill to keep their relationship on an even keelShe agreed shed probably be making a mistake to marry him which paradoxically was exactly what she found herself probing him about one night at dinner What do you think shed asked looking down at her plateTravis hadnt responded right away Im not ready for that he finally said Roberta you know Im just trying to have fun have a good time He muttered an apology about how shallow that sounded while Robertas heart sank Why did I have to bring that up For the next month Roberta tried to cajole Travis back into the hot and heavy relationship theyd had But he had become graduallyandabsorbed in his career He began limiting their time together to once a week and could be seduced into sex only with effort Roberta sensed she was losing Travis Her friends told her it was the best thing but she couldnt bear to let go She couldnt bear going back out in the world without him hated the idea of being alone Im too old to be going through this she told herself She was thirty fiveThen it happened She saw him with another womanRoberta walked up to them and hit Travis in the chest with her bag They exchanged words his last being But Roberta I was going to tell you I just didnt know howRoberta showed up for therapy crying and blowing her nose into tissue after tissue I never believed anything could be this painful she said holding her head in her hands It feels like my whole life is overShattering is not uniue to abandonment It is the initial stage of all types of grief where significant loss is involved But the shattering of abandonment is special Your loss was not due to a death but because someone acted on free will not to be with you In fact if rejection desertion or betrayal played a part in your loss it is not just your sense of security that has been shattered but your belief in yourself your sense of self worthI feel like a complete failure said Carlyle his eyes swollen and bloodshot He had lost nearly ten pounds in a little over two weeks and claimed not to have slept in days When I finally do fall asleep he said I just wake up to the reality that its over And then my heart starts pounding and all I can think of is to end itjust do away with myself The only thing that stops me is my kidsMy wife wants me to leave by the end of the month But how can I leave my family They are what Ive always worked for They are my life What have I done to deserve this Why didnt I see it coming I just cant face it all I am too numb to know what to do about any of itto know what Im feeling Its overwhelmingRoberta and Carlyle are experiencing many of the S words common to this stage the shattering of hopes and dreams the sinking feelings the sleeplessness the soul searching the suicidal feelings the shock The important thing to bear in mind is that the intense feelings of shattering are temporary In fact shattering is the most short lived of the five stagesShattering is a necessary part of the healing process because it brings you to terms with the fact that your relationship is ending The pain is wrenching because it represents a tear in dense tissues of an intense emotional bond It is as if you have to be torn apart before you can rebuild a new selfFor most people shattering is a time of reexperiencing Any old or lingering losses flood into your current wound If you have been through a similar breakup memories of that earlier loss come to the surface forcing you to deal with not just your current loss but the whole issue of loss in your life Your whole being is thrown into a kind of emotional time warp Past present and future are thrown into the emotional turbulence As one of my workshop members from the Esalen Institute testified Someone absconded with my safety net and I shattered to the floorShattering brings you in touch with feelings that may seem pathological when taken out of the context of grief Freud in one of his early monographs Mourning and Melancholia emphasized the difference between grieving and depressive illness The intense emotions of shattering can sometimes even shake the clinician who hasnt come to appreciate the intensity of the abandonment experienceAlby reported that his therapeutic relationship fell apart soon after his experience of shatteringThe love of his life had just left him Later he went to his therapists office and released his anguish in deep sobs He reported feeling like a black tar ball long nestled within him finally broke up and melted away His therapist agitated by the display of the intense emotions tried to refer him for medicationAlby had a stable job where he was highly regarded was involved in creative arts and stable friendships and showed no other signs of psychiatric distressIronically Albys ability to withstand the intensity of his feelings was a testament to his emotional health As one abandonment workshop member put it coming to Albys defense Only the strong can endure the shattering the weak need their defensesAt first people tend to swirl through all of the stages at once You may go from the shock and devastation of shattering to thewithdr.

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Revised and

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Revised and Is a well known author some of his books are a fascination for readers like in the The Journey from Abandonment to Healing Revised and Updated Surviving Through and Recovering from the Five Stages That Accompany the Loss of Love book this is one of the most wanted Susan Anderson author readers around the world

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